This is what I signed up for.
I just didn’t realize how hard it would be.
I’ve always wanted to be a mom; I wanted to have 3 kids, stay home with them, and work part-time teaching piano and voice lessons. I have achieved my goals for this part of my life.
But this morning, as the puppy was nipping everyone in sight and barking, as the baby was crying every time I put her down, as my sweet 3 year-old was begging to get my attention and I was trying to get the laundry and dishes done while getting ready to go to my desperately needed work-out, I just wanted to run away. Even more so, this evening when my baby threw up all over herself and her carseat.
I finally understood those people who just walk away from their wonderful lives, whom I’ve always said must be crazy. Who just start over in the most selfish of ways. I didn’t realize how much of myself I would have to sacrifice for these three people whom God, my husband, and I wanted to bring into the world. Almost every part of my life is infringed upon by being a mother: sleep, career, social life, money, my own body (with pregnancy, nursing, and the constant hanging), even whether I get to eat lunch sitting down, or standing up while fixing everyone else’s.
And just when I start to wallow in this realization, I remember, “I signed up for this.” And then comes the guilt and disillusionment at the discovery that I, even for a moment, wanted to walk away from them. That I’m not thankful for every moment spent with them, and the priviledge of doing what I’ve always dreamed. Actually, I have to go feed them dinner right now, so I will have to continue this journal entry later…
Back… After a night’s sleep and a lot of payer, I have a new perspective. I am getting just a glimps of what Jesus felt while He walked the earth. His entire purpose in coming here was to give himself up for his creation. Each time He ate, drank, slept, taught, was tempted, performed miracles, he knew that he would ultimately die a horrible death so we could be reconciled to God. He was pleased to do it. How thankful I am that He did, because now, when I am at my breaking point, I can come to Him directly, express what I’m feeling, and ask Him to change me. He is so faithful to do just that, and I am blessed! (How’s that for a mood swing! I love being a woman!)